Wednesday, December 31, 2014

A Lifetime of Kehilla

My father-in-law, Dr. Gabriel Elias, passed away last week at the age of 99. As we sat shiva this week, his large family - six children, 14 grandchildren and nine great grandchildren - gathered and celebrated his extraordinary life. He was a self-made man of 20th Century America, an immigrant from Greece who earned a law degree and a Ph.D., served in the U.S. Army during World War II in the intelligence service, had successful careers as a lawyer, college professor, therapist and businessman, and accomplished every goal he ever imagined, on his own terms.

During their 67-year marriage, Gabby and his wife, Alma, developed friendships with thousands of people. He was the seeker, and she is a nurturer. She is a Zionist; he was a humanist. Together, their genuine curiosity and kindness were the magnets that drew others to them.

Childhood friends, neighbors, synagogue friends (from their 50-year membership at Adath Jeshurun in Elkins Park, PA), couples from a variety of book groups, Humanist Group members, (he was the founder of the Humanist Association of Greater Philadelphia), the couples he married as one of the first non-clergy officiants in the country, and a myriad of wanderer-acquaintances they met as they traveled around the world, form the concentric circles of community that reflect their diverse interests and life path.

This week of sitting shiva brought people together from almost all of the communities in the Elias family life story. As they tell and re-tell the stories about the man they knew as Grandpa, Pappou, Gabby, Gabe or Dr. Elias, their perspectives add texture and details for all of us.

In the last seven years, their fellow residents of Martins Run, the senior living community in which they live, became their newest circle of friends. They're providing the final perspective. The Martins Run residents got to know Gabby when age-related memory issues made his prized intellectual intensity harder to access. What emerged in him was a sense of humor and a kind of detached bemusement about his cognitive decline. When you asked him how he was doing, he would answer ironically, "Getting younger every day." This week, his children, remembering the serious dad who required that every child hear an ethics lesson from him before getting their weekly allowance, are hearing about his jokes and one-liners in his last years.

It is the Martins Run community members who have gathered with us every night for our shiva minyan. The women surround my mother-in-law before and after the service with conversation and hand holding. They assure us that they'll continue to do so when her children and grandchildren leave town today and tomorrow. Most of them have lost spouses or partners, and they know how to create the support network to help someone navigate this new phase of life.

We're all able to find kehilla throughout our lifetime. The Elias family is grateful for, and I am inspired by, the Martins Run kehilla.