Relational Thinking

On Facebook's algorithmic Year in Review feature, one theme repeated throughout my 2013 highlights: Gathering. Family reunions and celebrations in my personal life punctuated a full calendar of professional workshops and retreats. United Synagogue's Centennial Celebration in October was both the backdrop and the main stage for the largest gathering of my year as I spent five days with about 1,200 people.

Three moments in 2013 were not in my top 20 Facebook highlights.

Moment #1: At the end of services on a Shabbat morning at Congregation Beth Judah, Rabbi Aaron Gaber asked everyone to turn to someone sitting near them who they don't know, introduce themselves, and say one thing that they're grateful for. Here's what happened to me: I turned to the man next to me, told him my name and probably said something about being grateful for the nice weather...I can't remember. When it was his turn, he didn't tell me his name. He simply said, "It's hard for me to say something that I'm grateful for this week. I lost a dear friend. I can't think of anything else." 

As he finished his sentence, the congregation began singing Adon Olam. The man stood up and walked out of the sanctuary. Not able to ignore a painful statement, I found a Beth Judah board member and shared what was said to me. The board member found him, asked what happened and how the congregation might help.

Moment #2: One of my "shul friends" sighed as she sat down next to me one Saturday morning after they brought the Torah out at services. "I just moved my father yesterday to assisted living," she said. "He hasn't called me yet this morning. I'm so worried about him, but I know that I can't hover over him every minute." For the next half hour, I didn't hear the Torah chanted, or worry about getting looks from people sitting near us about our whispering, as I listened to her re-tell the story of her life-changing week with her father.

Moment #3: During breakfast with some friends, our conversation meandered to how to engage Jewish baby boomers. Their question to me: "What programs will get baby boomers engaged in synagogue life?" My question to them: "How can we make relationships instead of programs?" 

What followed was a rich and exciting reversal of our usual brainstorming session about whether or not travel to Cuba vs. Eastern Europe will attract people, and instead to this conversation:  

Friend #1: As a child of Holocaust survivors, I have always wished I could talk with other people with families similar to mine. Especially now that our parents have passed, and we're becoming grandparents. We're not the children anymore. 

Me: Do you know who else in the congregation is like you? 

Friend #2: Sure she does. She always asks them to help her plan our Holocaust Remembrance Day program. 

Friend #1: It's getting harder and harder to do that, to get people interested in helping with or coming to the program. That's really disappointing.

Me: What if you invited them over to your house, not to plan a program, but to talk to each other about what life is like now that you are not the children anymore? 

Friend #1: You mean like a support group?

Friend #2: Or a focus group?

Relational Thinking

These three moments weren't special gatherings or programs. Incorporated into pretty ordinary interactions, they were only seeds of potential connection. If they happened to you, you might have done or said the same thing I did without thinking about it again.

But this  year, on the heels of United Synagogue's focus on what Ron Wolfson calls relational Judaism, I am trying to develop a new habit of mindfulness: Relational Thinking.* I have begun my relational thinking habit by trying to notice and remember moments of connection, either in my shul or with people in my community. I gave three examples here; there were surely three hundred more that I don't recall.

Relational thinking requires changing the lenses through which we view our interactions. 

• Instead of counting numbers to measure success, (participation, membership, income, resources), we're on the lookout for signs of wellbeing and connection.
• Instead of setting organizational goals to increase growth or revenue, our vision, mission and priorities reflect shared values and quality of community.
• Instead of the language of transaction, (membership, affiliation, dues), we use language that describes a spectrum of human connection: present-ness, directness, open, continuous, complex, respectful, shared, stable. 

For many congregations, relational thinking is new territory, with no quick measure of success. "Get more people in the door" has always been an easier goal than "help people find something new that they have in common with someone else." 

How can leaders of a kehilla (sacred community) develop a habit of relational thinking?

One place to start might be to notice moments when relationship building is happening and practice changing your language about it. Does your congregation have a Shabbat dinner initiative like Guess Who's Coming to Shabbas? Are you one of the 50 kehillot that sponsor Sulam for Emerging Leaders? How can you describe what's going on that goes beyond participation numbers? Can you tell the stories of what people are learning about each other, how they found commonalities, how they continued to connect? 

Another is to look for the moments when relationship building is possible, or relational potential.

Rabbi Gaber's direction in Moment #1 (above) is an example. At the end of services, we generally rush to get through the weekly announcements, Adon Olam and out the door. In some congregations, the rabbi will encourage people to introduce themselves to the people near them and wish them a Shabbat shalom. Rabbi Gaber added relational potential by asking people to share what they're grateful for. People paused and turned to each other in a new way. Did some people (like me) talk about the weather? Yes. But did others, like the man who spoke to me, open up about their lives? Perhaps, and that is the risk and reward of creating moments with relationship potential.

A third possibility for relational thinking is to slow down and ask a different question before looking for strategies. When my friends and I discussed baby boomer engagement, I chose not to answer the question about programs, and, instead, asked about relationships. This can become an organizational habit. Whenever the question posed in any leadership grouping begins with the phrase, "What (kinds of programs) would interest....?," we would stop and ask, instead, "Where do we notice they are connecting with each other?"

Throughout the winter and spring, United Synagogue will follow-up on Dr. Ron Wolfson's excellent presentation on Relational Judaism at our Centennial Celebration. District conferences, local workshops, webinars and our Large Congregations Conference will feature tools to help us all develop the habit of relational thinking and re-frame our approach towards relationship building. 

  

* The term, "Relational Thinking," is trademarked by Relational Research.