Living Room Learning as Relational Judaism

I spent the last six weeks deeply connecting and then retreating from community. First, I intensively trained several boards and leadership teams, then headed away for two weeks of relaxation.

I spent the final days of my vacation in northern Virginia, in a cable TV-free farmhouse overlooking the Shenandoah River and the majestic mountains blanketed in snow, with some of my family and a dog named Rufus.

It was in the mountains, separated from all community, that I thought about this well-known text from the Mishna quoting Hillel, (Avot 2:5):

הלל אומר אל תפרוש מן הצבור ואל תאמן בעצמך עד יום מותך ואל תדין את חברך עד שתגיע למקומו ואל תאמר דבר שאי אפשר לשמוע שסופו להשמע ואל תאמר לכשאפנה     אשנה שמא לא תפנה:

Hillel said: Do not withdraw from the community. And do not trust in yourself until the day of your death. And do not judge your fellow until you have put yourself in their place. Do not say something which cannot be heard (on the assumption) that eventually it will be heard. And do not say, 'When I have time I shall study,' perchance you will never have time.

[AJWS translation and Hebrew text from On1Foot]

I picture this as an illustration of the power of relationships to both empower us and challenge us.

For me, it is spatial. I envision concentric circles of communal involvement, with the most involved people at the center and least involved in the outside areas. The instruction from Hillel is this: Don't allow yourself to be drawn away from the gravitational pull of the community.

It's the quote that helps us argue in favor of synagogue affiliation, Jewish study, volunteering, and leadership.

But the reality is that affiliation and participation numbers among all religious groups in America are shrinking. One third of adults under age 30 identify themselves as having "no religion," and the number of unaffiliated adults rose from 15% to 20% in five years, according to a Pew Research Study released in October 2012. Leaders of our Conservative kehillot complain of decreasing participation in a myriad of programs, and are always on the lookout for new ideas that will bring people from the periphery into the synagogue buildings that are supposed to house the center of community. 

In a Synagogue 3000 report last year, Dr. Ron Wolfson gave this advice about how to approach decreasing engagement:

We have to move from a synagogue of programs targeting different populations to a deepening relationship between the synagogue and their members...The best way to root people in the life of the congregation is through relationships. If we don't people will drop their memberships, and that's a big problem.

What Wolfson and others have called, "relational Judaism," challenges leaders to stop imagining that the gravitational pull of programs will bring people towards the center, and, instead, cement bonds throughout the community based on sharing experiences and building relationships. Here are examples from some of our kehillot: 

• The vice president of a 300-member congregation in Pennsylvania began inviting two or three families per month to his home for Shabbat, with the goal of having Shabbat dinner, or at least making the invitation, to every person in his community by the time he finished his presidency.
• "Guess Who's Coming to Shabbas?" - the relationship-building initiative organized by Debbie Albert of Temple Sinai in Dresher, PA, with the goal of getting all 500 member families to host or be a guest at Shabbat dinner, has had almost half the congregation involved already. 
• The president of a 150-member congregation organized a "listening campaign," asking people to host "town halls" in homes so that she could hear what they cared about in their community. In six months, every member came to a town hall and met someone new in the process.
• "Living Room Learning," offered at Congregation Torat El in Oakhurst, NJ, where Rabbi Aaron Schonbrun creates a Jewish learning experience for any 10 people who organize a meeting in someone's home in the community.
• The Sulam for Emerging Leaders rabbis, trainers and participants in 30 kehillot - more than 250 people - are learning together right now, having Shabbat dinner and then opening up the circle of relationships to involve more people in the experience.

These examples put the possibility of engagement everywhere, not in the middle of concentric circles that increase towards the center. Relational Judaism reverses the imaginary spatial diagram of community.

Instead of warning people about moving away from the center, Hillel's injunction speaks directly to leaders who think they are at the center: Don't YOU separate yourself from the community. Remember that the community is not where you are, it is all around you. Your responsibility is to move throughout it. Create connections. Build relationships without an expectation of what will come next.

Through a series of conferences in the coming months, (March 11 and 17 in United Synagogue's Mid-Atlantic district and April 14 in our Northeast district),  we will be looking for examples of relational Judaism by highlighting visionary strategies of engagement and learning.

And it will be our Centennial Celebration, "The Conversation of the Century," in October 2013, that will be United Synagogue's movement-wide relationship building experience. Watch for online and in person conversations that are beginning now.

Should we google our members?

British Airways announced that it will be googling its business class passengers as a way for their staff to recognize and better serve their customers. The "Know Me" program, they say, allows their staff to view photos of passengers and find out about their patterns and preferences. British Airways has given 2,000 iPads to their customer service representatives so they can look up and greet an expected 4,500 people a day. If this sounds specious to you, you're not alone. Businesses like airlines or hotels give their customers options to set up their own profiles through a preferred customer status. Customers can upload their own photos and preferences; why staff would need to google people is raising suspicion and complaints about privacy and potential errors.  


An airline might be stepping out of bounds by using Google as a way to get closer to customers, but the idea of getting to know people is at the core of creating communities. 

So should we google our kehilla members? What would we learn and what would we do with the information? 


A fundraising professional colleague of mine tells me that he googles everyone he meets. In addition to finding out what they do or what they're interested in for fundraising possibilities, he looks for connections that he might help them make. What town did they grow up in? What organizations do they belong to? Who does he know that he might put them in touch with? How can he help them feel more connected to someone else?


In a quick sampling of what I would find if I googled 10 of my close friends, I have to admit that I did learn some surprising things. My friend, Jack, published a book about staff performance review. Sherry is certified by the American Academy of Sports Medicine. As a speech pathologist, Jean has no complaints or sanctions against her, (good news). Andy was executive director of our congregation (alert - that was incorrect information!).  


Googling my friends didn't uncover much about their needs, aspirations or interests. It would not help me know if they want to learn Hebrew or invite someone for Shabbat dinner now that their children are out of the house.  I did, however, learn about some of their accomplishments and professional profiles. That information could be critical if I wanted to approach them to volunteer or move into leadership.


We're going to be talking about volunteer engagement next week as we roll out the final module in United Synagogue's Sulam for Current Leaders series: The Volunteer Development Plan.  Rabbi Charlie Savenor and Bob Leventhal will cover how we approach volunteering as avodah, sacred work, in a kehilla of sacred relationships. Knowing every person's skills, achievements and passions is key.  Register here if you want to join the conversation. 


And, in the meantime, feel free to google me.